Dear Abby....tell me what to do..

   Maybe I complain a lot on here...but I have no where else to do it. 


Sometimes I get so caught up in acting like everything is okay, I start to lose it. Whenever I say things couldn't get worse or I start to feel like I can handle stuff, shit goes array. 


My day today: 


I couldn't sleep last night..again. 


I got up and showered and went to father's office with my puppy. As soon as I got there, I was taken aside by his medical assistant. She told me that my mother had read sister's diary yesterday. In her diary, she wrote about me saying that I told her not to tell her psychiatrist anything. So mom is pissed. Problem is, mom didn't tell me shit. The medical assistant told me that she wanted me to know incase something was to come up. SERIOUSLY????  No one in my fucking house can talk to the person, but they LOVE to talk about them behind their back!! Jesus, my house is like high school. So I felt like I was hit by a truck. I walked through the rest of the office and talked to my friends. They told me I need to continue on in my schooling and graduate and then get the hell out. I'm not crazy...


Then I came home fast so I could babysit cause mother had a "lunch" to go to with her friends. She was gone for 2 hours. I didn't know if I should tell sister...but I did. She told me that bro 1 told her yesterday that mom had been in her room reading her diary. So obviously mom did. I told her everything I knew and of course she got pissed. She took her diary and ripped all of the pages up and threw it away and said she would never write in one again. I felt awful. I hope that this was the right decision. But it's not okay for a mother to read her daughter's diary. Mom read mine when I was young and ruined me. To read her adopted daughter's diary? Really? Who the fuck does that???? I am so angry. Sister is mad too. I don't know what to do. I am sick of being mom to everyone. 


After mom came home from her outing, I was convinced to stay for dinner. Fine. So I did. When dinner was over,  mom and I went to CVS. Oh god...that was just an awful time.


 Here it goes:


While I was driving, mom asked me why I am so mad all the time. I said I was fine. (haha). Then she went into how sister is and etc. As the conversation continued, I told mom that sis doesn't like her psych because she tells mom everything. Well mom said that she doesn't (blatant lie) and that she doesn't understand why sis hates her psych. I told mom that she needs to tell her this...ugh..she just doesn't get it. Then later on mom asked me why I don't talk to her. SERIOUSLY??? That was it..I told her that my aunt called me on the phone last summer to ask my sessions were going because mom told her everything. Mom started screaming, "bitch bitch!!" Mom then continued to say that that shouldn't stop me from talking to her. really?? okay....... after this shit, mom kept talking about herself. Then I was like I can't tell you anything and that I won't. I told her I had been through even more shit and that I won't ever tell her because she tells anyone. (thinking this would help......hahahahaha it made shit 10X worse). She told me that she had been through way more than I probably have been and that she had a worse life and that she won't tell me about it. SEriously??? You have to beat me in that shit too?? this is not a competition!!!!! UGH!!!! I am so mad right now. Then she told me that my other aunt is in trouble for theft or something. WOW!! thanks for not caring about me. 




I hate my life. I want to help these kids so much but I am falling faster everyday. I don't call even them my siblings. I call them my kids. I shouldn't have to do this. I even had to show mom what school supplies bro 2 needs. She didn't even look at the paper!!!!! WTF?? I'm not going to make it, if my life continues this way. I just want to cry. Why does this happen? I just don't know what to. I wish someone would know my story and give the directions on how to continue. 


I wish Zom was here. 




I'm working tomorrow, so I'm out to actually try and sleep for once. haha. 


I only had one meal today...barely. I can't do this right now. I am just exhausted from head to toe and mind to body.