I am so gone right now. I am drowning and I seriously can't get up. I'm not depressed. I am not sad without reason. My life is so fucked up. I have no where to look up. Not one part of my life can ever go right. This student teaching thing is not doing well. I am so exhausted and the teachers can tell. I am so embarrassed about everything. I'm really self- conscious right now. I am so ugly and I hate it. I used to be beautiful and lately I've just felt awful. I feel like I am one of those girls that wear the way too short shorts and they are so big that they are spilling over. Now don't get me wrong, if you feel sexy and are confident...I can't say anything. But you know what I am talking about. My school has some of the worst teachers. Why would someone who works in the early childhood department treat their students like crap? I am so against my school and I think they are out of control. My parents are worse than ever. Today my mother asked me if I had been telling sister what she has been saying. Actually no bitch I havent, but she tells me about what you said. Sister said mom was crying today because I am leaving next year....sister said that she was thinking in her head, it was because the babysitter is leaving. My mother should feel bad. She says awful things about sister....karma is a bitch. All I can think of, is that mom thinks I am being "manipulative" again. Great. I want to shoot myself. Point blank. No mercy.
I can't do this shit anymore. I came home at one to pick up my puppy and instead I got pushed into taking bro 2 to swim lessons at 4:30. awesome....then I had to stay for dinner and then I came home...well my new condo. I love this condo. Except, I shut the door completely on the back of my heel and it took skin off. My heel is gushing right now. I almost fainted. It's so gross. How am I supposed to work on Saturday with my heel? ugh...lame
I'm pushing my close friends away. My thing is....is that why wouldn't they leave me? Everyone else has, so I might as well do it first. I am useless...seriously.
I haven't slept in ages. I almost got into 2 serious car accidents last night because I was so tired. I just wish someone would recognize that I am alive and I am important and that I matter. Is that so hard? I think it is.
I haven't been eating much either lately. I feel like it might be better for me to do this instead of some of the other things I have done. I have been getting serious migraines the last two weeks. I am falling apart. I somehow cut up the left side of my gums too. great....seriously if I wrote a book, people would feel better about their lives.
Saturday I totally fucked up. Which...why wouldn't I?? I went to a club with people from work and got drunk fast. Which I had to because I felt ugly and didn't want to be there. Don't get me wrong, it was fun and I'm glad I went but....I felt dirty afterwords. I had some underage guy all up on me and wouldn't leave me alone. Out of all the beautiful people he thought he could only get me? wow........it was bad. I cried all the way home and tried not to let it show. I couldn't even talk. Who would want to be friends with me? I'm too messed up.
I would drive 10000 miles right now if I would be guaranteed one better day. I wish I could just tell one person my story and have them still like me for me. Except I don't trust many and I know no one would talk to me after.
Zom is gone for the weekend. I'm jealous. I'm stuck here. Hope she has an exceptional time. I am counting down the days until april 26.
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