It happens when I live. I live in a place where harassment is funny and apparent. It's a place where I have one person who cares and understands where I come from. She knows I'm a mess and has problems, but still hangs out and laughs with me. I live in a world where no family loves me. I am used as a step in mother when needed. I watch these children grow and try to make them happy. But I know that I have never been happy or let myself be happy.
I'm not sure I'm supposed to or allowed to be happy. I met someone online and I thought he was perfect for me. He spoke so eloquently that for a second, I felt special and thought that maybe one guy would like me. But of course stuff happend. I only told Zom about him which makes sense because of course he didn't want me anymore. He found prettier and better girls. Then ah...I really really like this guy at work and I thought he liked me too. And what happened? He's also talking to other girls. Figures. I am not good enough to deserve love.
I hate going to work unless Zom is there. I'm sick of being harassed at work by everyone. I am not a physical person and I just take it at work anyways. Then Friday, which I should've been celebrating came. I passed all my teaching certifications. But no one cares. I mean yeah, I have "likes" on facebook but that's not real. No one has called or congratulated me. My parents don't care nor my family. If my grandma was still around she would care. She is the only person in my family who has ever loved me and made me number one. I am no one's number one. I don't get birthday cards from anyone, christmas/holiday cards, not even an email wondering if I'm alive. Which is pretty much why I think there is no point why I am sometimes.
I just want to be someone else. I just feel down. I want someone to be proud of me and recognize that yes, I am alive and matter. I may be one in a billion or so but I want to be someone's only one. Except that I don't ever want to be physical with anyone. I will like someone until they want more and then I don't like them and find things wrong with them. I am going to get hurt anyways. I always do. I also have no self confidence or esteem. I am constantly being called ugly at work and worthless. Which to some degree I would agree with. EVERYONE I know has a girlfriend, boyfriend, fiance, etc. I have my dog, that's it.
I am moving to South Carolina in the summer and I know that this is great for me. But what if I can't do it? If I miss my brother too much, if I learn that something has happened to my bro's or sis I will just be at a loss. I hope I can make it to then though. I hope to make it to April and graduation. Not that anyone will probably come. The only person at my high school one was my mom. I never got a card from anyone saying congrats. And only three of my family members came to my "pool party." I never had a grad party. I'm trying to plan my own for college. I'm sure no one will go either. I'm not important enough for anyone to schedule on their calendar.
I now have to get up super early to babysit the children in the morning. I haven't had a decent's night sleep since last week.
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