If I Thought Rock Bottom was Hard, Breaking Through it is Worse

I'm at a loss for what occurred on Wednesday night. Yet, no one knows because I am so good at pretending that nothing happened. I don't know how to handle it. It keeps running through my mind like an Ipod music video that won't turn off. Should I have done something else? Was it right for me to pretend like nothing happened? Plus, if I were to say anything, could I just be making a big deal out of nothing? Reflexes perhaps? But really it was what was said afterward that hurt me worse. I don't want to get anyone in trouble, so I'm not going to share exactly what happened. I want to tell someone so badly, but nobody deserves to feel what I feel. Plus I know that what happened to me will not occur to anyone else that is around me. But after this occurrence, I feel even more like an object. I'm not a person, and I don't have feelings. I have surrendered. If this is how I have to be for now, bring it. More on this later....


These past weeks have really started to deteriorate me. I am slowly breaking down. Traverse City was a bust. The kids did not have fun and mom kept trying to get out without sis. Ugh. I was in a bad mood after sis was just annoying to me. I am aware she is new here and I am probably in the wrong here, but I just couldn't handle her that weekend. She wanted to sleep with the lights on in the room. I told her she is 15 and needs to get over that. She was very clingy as usual and parents kept treating her like a complete child. Ugh don't even ask..it was disgusting. 


On the way home from Traverse City, bro 2 and sis wanted to ride with me. Well I wasn't keen on having her in the car with me, but apparently having road trips changes people. We drove for a straight 4 hours without stopping. In the car, we all talked. It was good but sad too. I understand her more now and we talked about how much she hates being here. Both kids told me that I'm going to be a great mom and that they wish I was their parent. Sis has a therapist she goes to, but I guess the lady tells mom everything she has said. So I told her she has to lie to her. So now she just tells her everything is fine. In some aspects, sis is very bright, but not in everything. She still wants to be young and I told her if she wants to be respected then she has to act like an adult around the parents. This hasn't happened yet.  So we went over a lot of things and I think she understands a bit more. 


Now back to reality. I have to get up with the kids when mom goes to work and pick them up. Well mom has not been home for a long time now. She barely eats with us now and goes out every day with her friends. I am STUCK at home with the kids. I am tired...I mean sometimes I think I am selfish for saying this, but I am exhausted. Wednesday morning was terrible. I got bro 1 and 2 up. Well bro 1 was able to sleep in and then I got him up. Well father was supposed to take bro 2 to camp. He has camp at 9. At 8:30 father told me he was too late for  work and I had to take him! I was like, "What about (bro 1)?" He told me to take him!! Seriously? So I had to get a 200lb, 14 yr old, ready in 15 minutes. I had to get him to eat breakfast, pee (which at this age...doesn't happen early in the morning), get his meds, and get him dressed. Bro 1 moves slower than a sloth..it was terrible. So I was getting dressed and asked bro 2 to check on other bro in the bathroom. Wrong choice. Bro 1 FLIPPED out. I had to run downstairs and bro 1 tried to slam my fingers in the bathroom door. I screamed and he said sorry and he said he thought I was other bro. I got him dressed and then he went out. He started scratching me and trying to bite me. I was running late for getting the bro 2 to camp, so I just got both kids in the car and got bro 1's fav. music playing. I left Bro 1 in the car listening to NSYNC and took Bro 2 into camp. I came out and drove home. Bro 1's aid arrived ten minutes after we got back and she took  him to his camp. I tried to go back to sleep after this but it didn't happen. Harper came over to meet the kids and we just watched movies. Well..her and I went to pick up Bro 2 and then I got a frantic phone call from mom because she didn't know where bro 1 was supposed to be picked up!! (Now mind you, she went to work from 8-2pm..then she went to "lunch" for like three hours after). So I drove home so fast and texted her. She told the aid the wrong place to pick him up!! Then everyone got home and Harper went home. That evening the parents went to look at the condo. They told the guy yes and I can move in next week!! I need this so badly. That evening is when the shit went down. The thing that pissed me off was that no one was concerned about me or bro 2. Mom was mad I left bro 1 in the car alone!! seriously?? You are not worried about me getting hurt or bro 2 having to hide when bro 1 gets mad? nope...that would be too normal. 


Thursday..today, went to class thinking about everything that happened and running through the situation over and over. Pretended to be happy and then came home. I tried to nap, but my body is very sick over last night. I felt super caffeinated, even though I wasn't. So I got up to eat lunch at 3 and mom decided to come home from this morning. We were watching tv and then I asked her if she was getting bro 2. She gave me this evil look and told me, "Did you think I forgot? Yes, I'm leaving now." SERIOUSLY??? I was just asking!!! She went and got him and then came home. I had to take bro 2 and sis to swim lessons from 4:30-5:30pm. Mom and father took bro 1 to a dr's apt and was gone for only 20 minutes apparently. I came home with the kids and then mom left to go out with her friends. Father and the children and I went to Macaroni Grill for dinner. I had to act like nothing happened. I drank a lot. I couldn't even look in anyone's faces. I just chilled with bro 1. We drew pictures and wrote out sentences. I went to the theater with Virgin Mary and saw Planet of the apes...for the 2nd time. 


So, I just got home and father pops a question on me. He asked me if I could GET UP with bro 1 in the morning so mom can go to the gym!! F'ing really?? after all of this just happened?? of course I had to say yes. I don't want anyone pissed off. I hate how my emotions are the thing that always gets hurt and left behind. I have to get up in the morning to get bro 1 ready for camp and then I'm going to try to go back to sleep. HAHAHA!! won't happen. Mom will come home from gym and then she wants to go out without sis. I am going to get my fingerprints finally done at least. Tomorrow night, mom has her friend Psychic coming over tomorrow night for dinner. Mom already told US that WE must clean the house tomorrow. Which means not her. Ugh. 


I just want to sleep. I haven't been having nightmares but before last night, I still hadn't been sleeping. I've been staying up til 2 or 3 am doing my homework. I'm too busy with everything before then. Like right now, I just finished an assignment. I can't get stuff done when everyone is home. I am just drained. I need to get into this condo soon or I'm finished. 


I just want someone to tell me that what I am doing is enough and that I am worth living. Because right now, I see no point. I have to know that at least one person is on board with me and willing to put up with me. I just bring too much baggage for any one person to deal with. I have to move on and pretend that nothing happened. I am making myself sick and I can't. If everyone is going to act like nothing has happened, I'm an actress too. BRING IT!! I just need to know that next year I will move and my life will begin a new. If this doesn't happen, I will end it. I can't continue this way. I just haven't been happy for a long time. 


Well I'm going to try to go to bed..haha.