What a day....
I didn't get much sleep as to why I may have been cranky and upset this morning. I was running late to class and then class was TERRIBLE!!
After class I drove to Commerce Township to go to an interview for a nanny/babysitting job. I don't think that went too well. I was exhausted and just not in a super good mood. Then I went and woke up Zom and we went to brunch. When we finished eating, we drove back to my apt and watched movies for a while. Then we went to the sorority house and hung out with Sherry and Javes til Manny got home. When she got home we kidnapped her and went to watch the movie, "Something Borrowed." It was really good but kinda intense.
Then.....we went to eat dinner at BWW. That was something..I should say. The whole wedding thing was brought up again. Whenever this is brought up, my heart falls into my stomach and starts to roll around aimlessly. Then the boy was texting me. I'm glad Manny was able to talk about her life and I hope she starts to feel better.
Now it's my turn.
Ugh..I hate talking..about me and feelings and life. It's so hard to try to even give a piece of yourself to others to let them know how you feel. Zom and I talked about the evil girl and the wedding thing. Maybe I am self-conscious but it was really hard to say exactly what I wanted to. I think in my unconscious I don't stick up for myself with these girls is because maybe I'm scared I will lose the friends that I have now and I may have the "bad" ones if I need them later. Lame.. I know. But I also know that through my whole life, I have never made my own decision about anything. I was never allowed to have feelings or if I did, never discuss them. I also let everyone control me. I know this. To be honest though, it sucks but at least someone knows I'm here and I'm worth enough to be controlled. (Dumb..I'm aware). I also have no idea how to stand up for myself. It's something I'm going to have to learn.
I guess also that there is still a lot about me that has barely made it to the surface. I feel like I'm a glacier. I only let a little bit out for others to see, and there is still a lot to be discovered/said.
Maybe, I just need someone to tell me what to do. And I think I kind of do, but it's scary. I mean I am sick of being upset but I also think I probably somehow put this crap on myself. I don't like hurting people's feelings.
Another issue I have is housing. I guess to say it in the easiest way is that I CAN'T live at home in the fall. I also wish I had some idea of living so that I had something to look forward to in the summer. Plus, I'm afraid of the summer. I hope that I stay in Ypsi, but my parents control me. I've already been home too many times to count in the last month. I need hope. If all I do in the summer, is stay with my parents and then still stay with them in the fall and be their full time babysitter, I won't make it. There is just too much that happens there that is not acceptable. So...knowing that I'm screwed is not making anything easier. I am also worried that some people may forget about me or I won't see them. If this happens...I'll be a walking zombie. Nothing to do but breathe and do what I'm told.....ahhhh.....
I wish I could just drive to the beach right now and just sit...
I have to get up in 4 hours...to go to a class I may fail..awesome.
I didn't get much sleep as to why I may have been cranky and upset this morning. I was running late to class and then class was TERRIBLE!!
After class I drove to Commerce Township to go to an interview for a nanny/babysitting job. I don't think that went too well. I was exhausted and just not in a super good mood. Then I went and woke up Zom and we went to brunch. When we finished eating, we drove back to my apt and watched movies for a while. Then we went to the sorority house and hung out with Sherry and Javes til Manny got home. When she got home we kidnapped her and went to watch the movie, "Something Borrowed." It was really good but kinda intense.
Then.....we went to eat dinner at BWW. That was something..I should say. The whole wedding thing was brought up again. Whenever this is brought up, my heart falls into my stomach and starts to roll around aimlessly. Then the boy was texting me. I'm glad Manny was able to talk about her life and I hope she starts to feel better.
Now it's my turn.
Ugh..I hate talking..about me and feelings and life. It's so hard to try to even give a piece of yourself to others to let them know how you feel. Zom and I talked about the evil girl and the wedding thing. Maybe I am self-conscious but it was really hard to say exactly what I wanted to. I think in my unconscious I don't stick up for myself with these girls is because maybe I'm scared I will lose the friends that I have now and I may have the "bad" ones if I need them later. Lame.. I know. But I also know that through my whole life, I have never made my own decision about anything. I was never allowed to have feelings or if I did, never discuss them. I also let everyone control me. I know this. To be honest though, it sucks but at least someone knows I'm here and I'm worth enough to be controlled. (Dumb..I'm aware). I also have no idea how to stand up for myself. It's something I'm going to have to learn.
I guess also that there is still a lot about me that has barely made it to the surface. I feel like I'm a glacier. I only let a little bit out for others to see, and there is still a lot to be discovered/said.
Maybe, I just need someone to tell me what to do. And I think I kind of do, but it's scary. I mean I am sick of being upset but I also think I probably somehow put this crap on myself. I don't like hurting people's feelings.
Another issue I have is housing. I guess to say it in the easiest way is that I CAN'T live at home in the fall. I also wish I had some idea of living so that I had something to look forward to in the summer. Plus, I'm afraid of the summer. I hope that I stay in Ypsi, but my parents control me. I've already been home too many times to count in the last month. I need hope. If all I do in the summer, is stay with my parents and then still stay with them in the fall and be their full time babysitter, I won't make it. There is just too much that happens there that is not acceptable. So...knowing that I'm screwed is not making anything easier. I am also worried that some people may forget about me or I won't see them. If this happens...I'll be a walking zombie. Nothing to do but breathe and do what I'm told.....ahhhh.....
I wish I could just drive to the beach right now and just sit...
I have to get up in 4 hours...to go to a class I may fail..awesome.
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